My past. But I'm changing.. Part 1

My cute baby sister. She's 5 years old now! =D Dote on her a lot.

I used to be the youngest, till my dad remarried when I was 11years old and there, I have a new younger brother and a new younger sister when I was  16 years old.
We didn't really step off the right foot at that time (stepbro and me), mainly because I dislike my stepmum back then and like to bully him non-stop (I was so gangster last time, remind me about it. Hey! I was only 11, 12 years old, still childish can?).
I could never accept the fact that I have to call her mummy as in my heart, I only have one mum.
But up till her deathbed, i'm still calling her Ah Yi, but secretly in my heart, as I grew older, I actually had the urge to call her mum, but something held my voice back. Perhaps due to how she treats my sisters and me and how harsh her words were and how she lay her hand on me in which my mum will never ever bear to do so.


When my mum passed away, my dad was seldom home or either drinking and crying at night cause I was sleeping beside him in the living room, and well obviously the youngest and he wanted to protect me, but I know what was going on and it hurts cause my mum pass away straight in front of my eyes as I have been taking care of her ever since she contracted cancer and I was only age 7 back then. Seeing my dad binge drinking and upset almost everyday, afraid that one day he might get into a car accident due to his drinking and staying up till the wee hours for him to reach home. Innocent me back then, perhaps I was a fool (if my daddy still love me now, I hope so.)


*Don't feel like continuing cause i'm crying now,  but.. To let people understand me more cause sometimes I don't really feel like telling it face to face with people. Better to cry behind a computer than in front of people.


As I said, daddy was seldom home.
Leaving my 2 elder sisters and me to the care of the maid.
Like say in a month he is only home once or twice? Yes, that's how my 9 years old childhood started to change my perspective of a family.
And all of a sudden, a new women appeared in his life & I was obviously the first that got to knew her.
I didn't like her when I was being forced by my dad, after my tuition! To talk to a stranger I have never met and that tone of fake voice that I can hear through those speakers, trying to just please my dad. She was Thai. First impression? Future evil stepmum. Which kinda hit the spot (but have changed as I grow older, she became well, more matured.)


P.S: During tuition, my tutor well uses violence. My childhood sucks like I said. 3 mistake sin the homework and get caned. I always have cane marks on my legs and arms, even if MY FRIEND COPY MY WORK I ALSO KENA OK! My dad was too immerse with his new love to even notice those marks anyway cause the tutor said to the class, all your parents let me discipline you one ok. Like WTH! My life was miserable. I need to emphasize, I only got caned 3 times by my dad ok! In which one was accidental cause daddy was trying to cane da jie and I was studying and they keep running round the dining table. I was seated there. -_-!


Reason of the wrong impression that started off in my detest for her was this: " Your mummy die in this house, I don't like, she haunting me, cause me to miscarriage, your mummy don't like me!"
HELLO! YOU ARE NOT EVEN MARRIED TO MY DAD BACK THEN AND YOU DARE TO DEMAND TO SELL THIS FLAT AND SHIFT?!
But I was young, I can't voice out, I can't do anything but hope, at least someone would make him happy once again.
So we shifted to Tampines Blk 893A and well when they got married, we shifted again to Tampines Blk 812. (This shifting of house never ends here, well, applies to ME ONLY. To be further explained at the back.)


Others would often say, don't be sad, how poor thing that your dad doesn't bother about you.
Words that I hear mainly from the elderly.
Friends? They would just go: "WOAH! You have a whole house to yourself and your sisters, so cool!"
To me? It isn't. At that point of 9 all I wanted was attention, I was still young, what do you expect?
And being home without a parent to guide you at all, not cool. I was so so lost back then and yeah, studies all went down the drain from an EM1 student to EM2. Awesome job right? Thanks.


Like I said, committing suicide when I was at the age of 10 years old. Yeah, call me crazy but I did jumped out of my house balcony then. My sisters pulled me back.
TBH, I love my parents a lot cause I know no matter how they scold or beat me (I seldom get beaten thou, like only 3 times by my father if i'm not wrong, and nope, my mum never lay a finger on me before as I always help out with the household chores, yes, since Primary 1, I did household chores.)
My dad used to tell all his friends, see my youngest daughter, so smart and sensible. I even scored top in class before (well, primary education only. -_- ) and he started boasting and how I appeared on TV with my school choir. Prancing around the recording studio and singing like a free bird. Me back then. Young and innocent.


When I was 11 years old, and well my dad had already remarried to my stepmum. His presence at home a month or 2 months, couldn't be seen. He just passed me a purse of allowance for a month (which I lost it once. #FAIL inside there was like $500+) for my sisters and my living expenses. Don't ask me why he passed it to me, I didn't know why too. Or perhaps back then, I already knew how to buy groceries and cook etc. Back then at age 11, the maid had already, well, went back to her country. She was a good maid, took care of me and my sisters really well, knowing when we are upset and stuff and bring us out cause our daddy, well, MIA-ed. Talk about childhood memories, one word: HORRIBLE. Report books? Well well, I always thought, let's forge daddy signature. YES! My sisters and I does that. Why? OH! My dad wasn't around. HAHAHAHA! AWESOME. (Sadly, he have now changed his signature and it is even harder to forge than the previous one. -_-! It's in chinese for god's sake and in cursive manner!)


When I got to Secondary School, well yeah you guessed it. I did all the hell processing of the school myself! At times, obviously I drag my sisters down to help me. I was a freaking 13 year old stupid girl still filled with hatred and sadness towards my stepmum back then. Reason? SHE KEEPS GOING BACK TO THAILAND AND MY DAD HAVE TO ACC HER! SHE MADE MY DAD SELL HIS BUSINESS TO GO INTO HER WHATEVER PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS WHICH IN THE END FLOPPED! -_-! AWESOME! So I was also being forced to do the household chores, washing, cooking etc you name it, i'm doing it. Fetch my stepbro from school, although his freaking school is super near and I don't understand why they can't let him ownself go home when I ownself go home from school at the age of 8 years old. LIKE MEHHHH! I got many secondary school assignments back then to complete and yes I was in the express stream. Pressure was back on whenever my dad comes back.


You all must be thinking, aiya, household chores only ma. So simple. WRONG! If I don't freaking do the household chores or iron the clothes etc and my stepmum doesn't get to wear it I'M DEAD. Get scolded and scolded and scolded. Yes, I was treated like a maid by her. Reason? Cause she says my dad love me more than her. I mean like, how can this be compared?! Right? ='( GEEZ! She even argued with my dad multiple times over me over stupid matters which I don't really know what and well, have caused a few ruckus and woohoo~ POLICE COMING DOWN CAUSE SHE WANTED TO USE A SCISSORS!!! AND KILL HERSELF. Nice move. In the end, my second sister got cut by the scissors on her wrist cause of that (back then) crazy b**** which I used to call her. =x But after my secondary school days, I never call her that already. So don't judge me! She stole my family away ok! My dad ok! I don't have a mum ok! Why still steal my daddy away from me?!


Not only that, she got my dad superstitious in Fengshui, which I THINK IS STUPID AND WASTE OF MONEY! Why can't they save up when well, obviously daddy without his business cause he SOLD IT, and started working his ass off again just SAVE UP! And she even bought a LV bag. -_-! Like WTH! Reason why I loathe branded stuff! Yeah here, reason! Materialistic ladies turn me OFF! So yeah, my life since 9 till secondary school. Crying and crying and crying and crying, even on my birthday i'm crying. (Y)


Another reason why I dislike her then?
She freaking chase my elder sister OUT OF THE HOUSE! Oh yeah, my second sister and I did attempt to run away from home too, well, WE FAILED! But we left house #likeaboss ! =x and well, our elder sister was staying with our e-poh back then, so obviously we went to find our da jie la. HAHA! Back then I was erm.. Going to 14 I think. But in any case, that was the year where my dad shifted out to rent a house with my stepmum and her son cause she don't consider us as her family. (FREAK! AS I'M TYPING THIS MY DAD LOCK HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM AGAIN! FINALLY I SHIFT BACK I WANT MY FATHER AND DAUGHTER TIME TOGETHER CAN MA?! SIGHS!) Back to topic, so yes, my elder sister shifted back together with us and whole house is ours (3 sisters). & obviously, the bad side of me started kicking in and well, thanks to my elder sister too who taught me clubbing at the age of 15! And my house almost daily have turned into a gathering place for my friends, brothers, sisters etc. Imagine whole house, got 10+ people sitting at living room and sleeping at the spare room and living room floors, sofa and whatsoever. Yes! Almost everyday, but sadly, we are not that close now. Still do meet up once in awhile, clubbing. MEH! But yeah. =)) I still love my 'brothers and sisters'.


Let's see, age 15, drinking, clubbing, smoking, mix with gangs but no I did not joined them!, fights, arcade, police case cause I went to steal, in which I TELL YOU ALL, I OFFICIALLY FAIL AS ONE ON A FIRST ATTEMPT! I actually managed to escape but my friend got caught and I can't bear to leave her alone so I went back and surrender the stuff. It was my first time stealing and well, obviously the bad company that I have mixed with taught me to! =.=!!! Stupid. I KNOW RIGHT! But well, despite that police case in which they shop decided to let me off, my dad. Didn't bother. My 2 sisters? Screaming their lungs out on me at home. Especially da jie, she was very very furious back then and well, luckily never shout at me in public cause she love her 'face' a lot. But if you asked me why I was mixing with such people? Well, cause they care about me even thou they teach me bad stuff, but at that point of time, I really wanted love. Just someone to you know, pamper me, love me, care for me. Having them to send me to school by bicycle early in the morning and fetching me thereafter, and well hanging out at night and you know, play basketball, supper etc. You name it. Pronto~ Found people who care, well, hopefully not because of my pretty face (which isn't even pretty now, I look like PUKE now). & well, some personal stuff which is still being scarred up till now which I don't want to disclose, it is something, well unexpected and in fact, police case could be made but I didn't. Was silly back then.


Well, back in secondary school, I was rebellious, hurl chairs at people, guys listen to me, and well some tried to upskirt me which was stupid cause in the end got a guy confessed as to what they were doing and ask me not to hit him (I used to be well, just very violent. Haha..) 
Sleep in class, use hp in class, make my very awesome biology teacher cry in class in which she said she wanted to go find the dm to discipline me in which she fail to do so and well, grabbed her car keys and said she is leaving and not going to teach anymore ( Guilty! Yes, I did chase her back and apologized to her and stop using hp and started doing the assignments given by her. I hate SCIENCE!) 
Oh trust me, age 13, whole class secretly passing a bottle of red  wine during assembly and everyone was gulping the alcohol down, rebel against teacher, well obviously DC TGT! Placed a FHM magazine to diss a teacher that wears a super pungent perfume which could be smelt from the first floor to the second floor (not kidding ok!) and constantly wiping her sweat like every 5 minutes? Spotting matching lipstick, outfit and footwear. HILARIOUS! Those were the days. 


I also had counselling throughout my whole secondary school days, hate a subject? Run go counselling room, play with soft toy, play games, chat with counselling teacher, sleep at sickbay or mostly. In detention center cause I'm well always late, even till now. A very very bad habit (trying to change it already!) Reason why? Cause of my family problems and my teachers lame reason, I was put through counselling daily after lessons and IT SUCKSSSSS! I hate telling people my problems! I WILL CRY LIKE HELL, even till now. -_-! Yes, i'm a weakling. 


Sec 1: Too quiet, send go counselling.
Sec 2: TOO NOISY! Send go counselling.
Sec 3: REBELLIOUS! Send go counselling
Sec 4: ALMOST GOT SUSPENDED! Cause i refute my principle in front of well, her staffs, she bu shuang. LOL! Send go counselling. & yeah 1 week i'm only in school once or twice and well perhaps not even in school cause I didn't bother going school. No one cares about me anymore, go for what? No one guide me in my studies, GO FOR WHAT! Waste of my time, stay home and game better. But my close friends all think otherwise.


After school come down drag me go Mac and study. Force me to study, force me to memorize, especially during 'O' Levels. Those, good friends, which I eventually lost one due to my stubbornness and well, never cherished him much. Kinda depressing talking about this now. BUT MOVE ON! The top student in express class, was there to freaking teach me science (worst subject). He's a walking encyclopedia by the way. #likeaboss I also eat maggie mee everyday or don't eat at all, just consume bubbletea twice a day or coke, well 3 bottles a day. My 'meals' was never a regular one until my godbro and godsis start coming my house and drag me out to eat or personally packed food for me. CHO SWEET ONE! Especially Joel Kor Kor. =)) He's the best and hey! Big bugs bunny still with me. HAHAHAHAHA!


Oh and at age 15 I shifted to my dad's place again cause I had chicken pox and PLOX, my sisters don't know how to take care of me. So shiftedddd.. But well, keep arguing with stepmum cause she decided to start first and then slap me and then my er jie help me and then daddy slap her and then she run away from home again and I was left alone crying like hell in the room. OH! Cause I argued with her and stuff so was crying and texting one of my kor kor, which my stepmum knows him cause is my papa friend son and OOPS! Send wrongly to her. I scolded her a b**** in the sms. Ok, fine, my fault. But she started it first what!


So for now I have shifted from 700+ tampines to 893A tampines to 812 tampines to bedok central and then back to 812 again. This was up till age 16. Nice shifting right? Experience in packing already. Why? Cause i'm like an unwanted ball that have been kicked to and fro and to and fro non-stop cause in my heart I believe that, no one loves or even dote on my in my family. 


What happens after Secondary School?

To be continued....


Facts about me:
When I was younger and upset, I always locked myself in the room.
Cry one whole day till I fall asleep or perhaps looking out the window, still crying.
I have many upset moments since P1, especially when I was being bullied at that time!
My violence that I have learnt was thanks to my second sister who taught me to well, punch and beat people for 'self-protection' so that other people will not dare to bully me anymore. True.........