My hates...

I'm someone, who hates people messing up my schedule.

Like last week, the death of my stepmum, I have to miss school cause of it and submit my LOA so abruptly.

Face infection, flu, dad being broke due to my stepmum's medical fee which in turn I have to work during weekends to support myself, brainstorming about my school fees and well, really forgo my studies at that point of time when I was so desperate and lost my sense of directions in life.

I can't really post on facebook or on twitter how I felt or even on my own blog.

Everything is just too sudden.

Even if I am really really sad and on the verge of crying my bloody heart out, I WAS FORBID TO! You don't know how torturous it is to hold back tears! AT MY STEPMUM'S FUNERAL!

It's a death, CANCER! LIKE MY MUM! HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO HOLD BACK AND NOT CRY! I HELD IT AND HELD IT BUT MY HEART HURTS DO YOU KNOW IT?!

SEEING MY DAD GO THROUGH THIS SAME SHIT OF LOVE ONES GONE AGAIN! THIS SUCKS! FUCKING HATE MYSELF, I CAN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO HUG MY DAD ANYMORE! Since fucking 9, he's always not around by my side anymore. It's been 12years! 12YEARS SINCE I TOLD MY DAD, I LOVE HIM. OR EVEN HUG HIM! Family? What is family?! REALLY!

Next on, I keep getting informed about meetups like super last minute which I have to squeeze time in and my whole week schedule just gets ruin.

I'm someone who like things to be noted in advance. But project wise, once given a task, I would definitely clear it within 1-2 days. I hate delays.

Yes! I might always be late and stuff etc. But I did warn them, meeting for group projects, do warn me 30minutes - 1 hr earlier instead of the actual timing. So yeah, if they hate me, wanna mark me down. By all means go. I never expect myself to graduate this yr2.2 and am already thinking of going into yr4. Which sucks, I know. But if they already start disliking me and think that i'm blaming them or perhaps gossip behind my back etc. I DON'T GIVE A F***. You all can dislike me all you want, but I won't dislike you peeps cause you all actually thought me alot of things. Perseverance. Life, is being controlled by self, I have no rights to blame others, if I have to blame, it would be myself. Afterall, how your life turns out is how positively you see your future as right? Well, I see a very very bleak light that is about to phase out any moment. This is me. Depressed and yes annoying and noisy at times and can be very quiet most of the times. Yes. This is who I am. Welcome to my cold world! I choose to give up on myself.

So now, i'm seldom at meetings, i'm seldom in school, I technically really didn't contribute much to group projects cause everytime I scan through the report, parts that I have typed and sweat it out for wasn't really used in the report and i'm really missing out ALOT of stuff in school.

I don't even know how am I suppose to catch up with all this hell things happening around me.

Now tell me, how much more worse can my 2012 gets?

Not only that, colours that i'm forbid to wear. BLACK! OF ALL THINGS! BLACK!

My wardrobe is filled with 3/4 black!

Plans to chill out tonight with my girlfriends from the previous hectic and solemn week have officially been turned in further sadness and thoughts of death again.

I'm now hoping that I will get bang by on-going vehicles one day when I jay-walk and just pass on like this. Fast death. How great would that be. Then my family can sell all my stuff, laptop etc and get that money to tide through this difficult times like now.

No need to worry about my studies and school expenses or fees.

No need to worry that I have been living alone for 5years and the sadness that just fills me up more.

No need to bother about how people judge me.

No need to bother about other people feelings.

No need to bother about how hurt I am feeling and how sad I am.

No need to bother about anything or everything.

No need to act strong and cheerful in front of everyone when I am in fact really vulnerable all along.

No need to conceal my true self anymore and just pass on like this.

NOW MY FRIENDS AND READERS, NOW YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE WATCHING HORROR AND THRILLER MOVIES! DEATH IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND. AND YES I COMMITTED SUICIDE BEFORE. HAPPY?! =)