Mum's 12 years death anniversary

It was mummy's 12th years death anniversary (12 August) and I couldn't make it cause initially was supposed to work.
But SIGHS forget it. In future work alone better.

It's been tough all those years of trying to be tough, I have been immature when in actual fact, I should be more mature than anyone else because of what I have been through.
I learned a lot of things through all my mistakes made, bad moments, happy ones.
I'm still making mistakes now and then and still lacking the drive to push myself, it's something I detest about myself.
I usually don't get nervous about exams or test or whatever, but this semester made me felt so scared of failing.
I'm not sure if I have given my all, but I tried very hard to focus whenever I am in school.
It's like I get distracted too easily or perhaps they say that is a sign of wanting to escape.
To escape from what or who I do not know, but avoidance as said, is not right.

I miss those days where I have my mum to push me to study hard, to motivate me even if it means to get beatings from her.
I used to love studying, I do. But somehow or rather I lost that drive when she passed away.
I wonder, how do I get that drive back? How so?
My dad doesn't even talk to me much even thou we have been staying under the same roof for 4 months?
And the moment I shift in, I see debts piling up which stresses me alot.

I hope in my next life, mummy would be my mummy again.
But to not pass away so early and leave me and my sis in the lurch so suddenly just like that.
I still remember how she looked with her last breathe to convey her message to me and my dad.
That expression and suffer that she gone through, I couldn't erase it out of my head even till now.
I was beside her, I couldn't do anything but cry.
If only I am smarter, older, able to love science or medical. Perhaps she could survive.